Exposure can make you very cold

So last night I went out into town. You may think that this is a small and trivial matter which is not really worth posting, but to me, going into town is akin to putting your head inside a lion which has swallowed a shark infected with Resident Evils T-Virus. Clubbing and nights out are scary concepts for me.

I'm not really sure where it started, but at some point over the last two years, the feelings of excitement and enjoyment associated with going on a night out with friends has been replaced with constant anxiety about the way I look, the feeling that everyone looks better than me, the feeling that I am fat and unlikable and that being in a crowd of people is comparable to being held under water.

So I spend a while getting ready. Plan and choose an outfit, get changed, get changed again. I have it good authority from my therapist that this is quite common amongst young ladies and therefore try to normalise myself to this notion. I arrive at the preceding house party with a little excitement, which is overshadowed by how nervous I am feeling. The party is OK, although I worry a lot about the things I am saying (social skills are not my strongest point, particularly when I'm nervous as I feel that I come across as a little odd...)

As I walk to town, it starts to rain, and my naturally curly hair attempts to free itself from the restraints of an hour of styling and straightening, with I might add, a little too much success for my liking. Inside the club it is stiflingly warm and busy. I feel nervous and start on the Sailor Jerry rum... I am concerned that if I want to go home early I will ruin everyone Else's night.
I go to the toilet to check my appearance about 6 times throughout the next hour. This may sound extraordinarily vain, but it is more than that. What I see in the mirror, through the condensation and lip gloss smears is very different to what the rest of the world sees. I see a jawline that is too rounded, arms that are squishy on the tops and covered in ugly purple marks where I have picked at scabs (some of which I created in the first place) to try to make my skin look more smooth and even. I can see through my dress, where my tights are cheese wiring into my hips, creating an ugly crease across my stomach.
But I knew that these feelings would come and had prepared for them the best I could. So back out I go, find my friends, try to engage in conversation. I notice that I am picking the already scarring scabs all over my arms. Glad I wore jeans to cover the scars on my legs, like small cigarette burns from the knee down, a futile attempt to improve the way my skin looks and a sad compulsion that I currently see no end to.

Another hour goes by, and I find to my surprise that I am feeling a little More relaxed. I even dance a little, albeit much more awkwardly than I remember being able to. So its warm, my hair is sticky on my forehead, but I am actually having a good time. I am having a good time. I even contemplate going out again in the near future.

This experience is the first in my current social exposure target set by my therapist. I am to say yes to going out unless the reason is genuine, and not an attempt to avoid social interactions in which my BDD symptoms are at their peak. I feel it went well on the whole although the first couple of hours felt as though I was under  a microscope, everyone looking at me and laughing at how fat and ridiculous I look.

I actually feel a little proud of myself, again, a rarity in itself.

Here I am!

I am currently at work, I should be doing something, but I am on here... so technically my time is well spent.
Today is an average day. I'm a little hungry, I have been to the bank, I have daydreamed a lot about new tattoo designs (most of which I will have changed my mind about next week) and now I am typing to invisible peeps on the electric net ...
But in all seriousness this blog is as much a record to me as it is to you. For my life and my accomplishments.. if any were to take place. Today my biggest accomplishment is creating this blog, and I think it will be useful.

Next post to follow I should think (that's how it all works isn't it?)...