PoLe....

I like pole... there is no point to this post particularly... just more of a timeline of progressions really...

So here are a few moves I've been working on...

 This move is called a Matrix Lift... It is a move in its own right, or can be deadlifted into a handspring for split grip variations... I can deadlift it now.. This makes me happy...

This is a flag... I cant quite get it horizontal yet... but its getting there...

This is a combination of a few different flag variations... including the Matrix lift...

This is just poling about like a monkey.... obviously... just because...

This is a picachu onesie.. obviously... the move is called a shouldermount... It's pretty painful whilst learning it... but once you get the hang its not too bad...

Handspring... pretty self explanatory...

Yogini... gravity defyer... definately one to pull out to get a good reaction out of people... pretty tough on the armpit though...

Downsplits... self explanatory...

So this is what I do when I am sad... it makes me happy... Things have gotten  a little lighter since my last post. I have a little more focus but still quite unorganised. I have distanced myself from my partner again, preventative method more than anything...

Life is not as dire at present.

Long awaited....Soliloquy... It's all just fucked anyway.

What is actually going on in here? The real situation....

Not happy. Distinctly unhappy in fact... why do you stay with someone who hurts you so much without even knowing it? He doesn't know because you don't tell him.... but... there is good reason for that... Better to say nothing than to lose the inevitable argument.

Better to be hurt than be alone. Alone... that is the other choice. No point telling him why he hurts you, tried that one it doesn't fall on empathetic ears.

You should just kill yourself. Stop thinking about it constantly and being a fucking coward and just do it.

People will be sad for a while. You will hurt people by doing it but eventually their hurt will ease... better that than being a constant burden like you are now. Emotional burden. Financial burden. Fucking pointless human being. This is the only reason you are staying... you don't want to live for yourself... only because your dying would hurt others. So why not be selfish for once? All you ever do is look after everyone else. Every time you've tried to do something for yourself you end up hurting others. Making mistakes... messing things up... its what you're good at.

He was right anyway... you are pathetic. Needy and pathetic. Can't function on your own....

Even your friends don't really like you... all talk about you behind your back... People don't like you at work, they think you talk too much. You do talk too much. You're annoying, and irritating. You gave up on your eating disorder... it was the only thing you were half decent at... and half decent is a stretch.

Is it not just better to end it than feel THIS bad? This angry? This sad? This worthless?

Aren't you tired? Tired of telling everyone that you're just tired? You are NOT just tired. Stop being ok... everyone thinks you're ok but you're not... now when you're not ok they will not expect it and you will hurt them more... but I suppose that's what you're good at... as we have just discussed..

After months and months of not purging I gave in this week.

I feel horrible.

First on Saturday... Chinese takeout... I was home by myself, I don't even know why I did it... It was as if my useless body was overtaken by someone else.. Someone who has been waiting for a while, watching, expecting, waiting for that one moment of weakness...

There it was... and there I went... moving my arms and legs to the bathroom... moving the water to my lips... going through motions so dormant they felt alien to me...

It hurt and it was extremely time consuming and difficult... more so than before... more painful than before... 

I followed this ridiculous and pointless act with a run. Thought I might as well continue my self loathing punishment further by subjecting my already painful sprained ankle to an hours impact training. The regular movement of my feet and legs eased my mind a little, loud music filling my head blanking my racing mind...

Returning home. Texted my friend. Discussed the incident. Felt better. Tried to move forward, seeing it as only a lapse... Something which could be recovered...

Today was different. I bought cake from work to take home. Knowing full well what I intended to do when I got home...

I didn't even really taste it. I didn't really think about it as I was eating it.

More water. More pain... More shame...

This time I told nobody. Its my secret.. and it makes me feel better having at least one thing in my life I can actually control at this moment in time.. A familiar feeling of comfort unfurls in my head..

A failure... but a strangely comforted failure...

The Ivy is growing back. I keep pulling it off but its creeping all over me, faster than I can clear it at the moment. I am too scared to tell anyone how bad it is. 

I'm not sure I would be able to explain whats happening in my mind at all Its like I'm feeling every possible emotion every felt ALL AT ONCE. I'm literally on the cusp of tears every second of every day. 

Even when I'm asleep. My dreams are crying. Crying dreams... that's ridiculous...

Well Its been quite a radically changing few months, in fact I do think there's a possibility my personality has re-established itself as owner of my own body!!

I'm still at Costa... I like it.. Now...

I have to admit I initially did not react well to the introduction of a new manager, with my resistance to change still being a firm characteristic of my eating disorder (more of that later)... I am almost a little ashamed to admit that I was rather stubborn with my new manager... I didn't trust him... it was nothing personal... I just didn't trust people at the time in general.

I remained in treatment until last month... Earlier in the year I was referred to a Psychotherapist for additional therapy... well.. what I thought was addititional therapy...

After several sessions with my new therapist Andrew (an odd man whos aim appeared to be to make me break down every week by sitting in silence and making me sit still and talk about my past), I mentioned something I'd learned in CBT. At this point it dawned on me that I was not actually having additional therapy... In fact. my therapists knew nothing of each other..

And in that moment I lost faith in the NHS... I reluctantly agreed to continue with Andrew then go back to Jackie afterwards.... I gave myself to a few futile further sessions with Andrew then didn't go again...

I was actually happy about my decision. I felt ready to move on and I am lucky enough to have support this time around.

This time around.. It will work out...

I've started Pole Fitness... I've been doing it since last October and I'm good... I'm really good at it...

So my blog will be a bit different... Well... a different focus anyway...

... That's it really, for today anyway...

MIND THE GAP....!

Dear me...


Look at you last year. Gaunt sad pale skin dark eyes. Were'nt very happy were we?


But we were not on our own. We had a friend. An old friend. She spoke to us, a lot. Sometimes she was so loud it was hard to not listen.


So we listened.


We listened to the detriment of everyone around us and to our own health's demise.

Our doctors said to stop or we would die.




































So we accepted help We didn't want to. But we did, and our friend started screaming and kicking.


She tried lots of ways to make us listen, but we tried our best and eventually she turned into a whisper.


Theres still a little way to go... and sometimes we miss her...

Hello me...

So.... been a while hasn't it!

I'm back in treatment until after Christmas. Thought it would be best to put that straight out there... no beating around the bush...

My Psychotherapist suggested I spend some time addressing parts of my past I haven't thought about for some time, looking for the roots and foundations of my eating disorder, and during my session we got to discourse about my time in the 6th form.

Here is a snippet of information I have never talked about before:

Between the ages of around 15 through to 18 I wanted to die. I thought about it a lot, I even planned how I might do it... several different methods... which are not appropriate to discuss. I was lonely in these 2 years and my friendship group was based on a functional need to belong. This extended not only to me, but to every member of the group. Due to our insecure natures our friendships tended to be tentative, with only a small incident being enough to cause major drama. I can't think of specific good times, and I dont have the usual "remember when we did...." memories.. just hanging out, existing alongside one another...

I was a lonely and sad individual during this time. An isolation which could not solely be put down to teenage hormones and the perils of adolescent social interaction, or lack thereof.

I spent a lot of time by myself and my imagination provided great comfort for the unbearable emotional discomfort I was experiencing on a daily basis. I would get completely lost in it, feeling nothing but air beneath my toes and fantasy around me like a comforting fog. I created a whole other state of being in fact, a world only I knew about. I was safe in it, sometimes I had powers in it... It was comforting to me. There was another me in this world, the other me was strong and confident, unscathed by environmental distresses in my real life.

The other me, although part of me, spent time in my head and sometimes we would think together about how to fix my problems. How to please people who disliked or disapproved of me. How to be perfect. In an oversimplified nutshell, this is where my eating disorder began.

My ED, was not another person, or a separate voice in my head. We were one voice, a collective.

There was very little in my real life in which I found comfort. Music was the main thing, and my own imagination... I listened to Tool, and various other bands which gave me means of escape from the deep and unbearable unhappiness I felt. A musical shield...

I never really gave it much thought until discussing it yesterday, and I found myself surprised at how emotional I became when thinking about how I felt back then. Real, physical tearfulness, almost overwhelming..

Starting to get to the bottom of things is only the beginning, and I know I have a difficult few months ahead as I unpick and repair the broken parts of my own psyche... but something tells me it will be worth it.

Pictoral Editorial Tutorial... deep meanings?

I have noticed upon pursuing the blogs of others that my blogs often lack visual variety, as I rarely include any pictures...

This blog will therefore contain a collection of imagery which is of meaning to me, or reflects my mood in some kind of deep, ironic way...

So picture 1... the flat white...

As a mindful and committed employee at Costa coffee... it is part of my role to be able to produce this item of beauty..
Unfortunately, I haven't quite mastered it just yet... but I am pleased to announce that they are beginning to look more like the intended foliage as opposed to erratic ECG readings!

Image number 2...

This is not my eye.. but it is close... I trudged through several images to find this. I have noticed today that my eyelashes are quite long, and with the application of Max factor masterpiece mascara they actually look quite nice.
This is the first time for a lengthy period of time I have said something nice about myself.

Unfortunately this eye is crying, which is also how my eyes feel a lot of the time at the moment. Tears appear to be my eyes favourite decoration, more so than mascara at present.

Image 3... clean sheets...

I love the smell of clean sheets, clean washing is nice in general, but clean sheets is somehow superior.
My bed has three duvets, one under my fitted sheet, two on top.. and 6 pillows. I also have two blankets on top for the ultimate nest. Of course in this photograph everything is pristine as I am not inhabiting it.

Image 4... notebooks..

I still like notebooks. All different patterns, designs. shapes and sizes..

I have been utilising my collage thoughts diary again. This is an ambivalent choice as my thoughts are not at their clearest and the disheveled layouts and content of the recent pages reflect my current, slightly unbalanced emotional state. A familiar feeling has been prickling the back of my conscience, and her voice has been gently waking in my mind more and more. She scares me.

My final image for today....

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This may look strange, but if you input this into facebook chat during your next run of the mill discourse with your acquaintances, you will discover (much to you excitement if you are like me) that inputting this strange little symbolic cypher produces penguin..

Time to contemplate further imagery I suppose...