PoLe....

I like pole... there is no point to this post particularly... just more of a timeline of progressions really...

So here are a few moves I've been working on...

 This move is called a Matrix Lift... It is a move in its own right, or can be deadlifted into a handspring for split grip variations... I can deadlift it now.. This makes me happy...

This is a flag... I cant quite get it horizontal yet... but its getting there...

This is a combination of a few different flag variations... including the Matrix lift...

This is just poling about like a monkey.... obviously... just because...

This is a picachu onesie.. obviously... the move is called a shouldermount... It's pretty painful whilst learning it... but once you get the hang its not too bad...

Handspring... pretty self explanatory...

Yogini... gravity defyer... definately one to pull out to get a good reaction out of people... pretty tough on the armpit though...

Downsplits... self explanatory...

So this is what I do when I am sad... it makes me happy... Things have gotten  a little lighter since my last post. I have a little more focus but still quite unorganised. I have distanced myself from my partner again, preventative method more than anything...

Life is not as dire at present.

Long awaited....Soliloquy... It's all just fucked anyway.

What is actually going on in here? The real situation....

Not happy. Distinctly unhappy in fact... why do you stay with someone who hurts you so much without even knowing it? He doesn't know because you don't tell him.... but... there is good reason for that... Better to say nothing than to lose the inevitable argument.

Better to be hurt than be alone. Alone... that is the other choice. No point telling him why he hurts you, tried that one it doesn't fall on empathetic ears.

You should just kill yourself. Stop thinking about it constantly and being a fucking coward and just do it.

People will be sad for a while. You will hurt people by doing it but eventually their hurt will ease... better that than being a constant burden like you are now. Emotional burden. Financial burden. Fucking pointless human being. This is the only reason you are staying... you don't want to live for yourself... only because your dying would hurt others. So why not be selfish for once? All you ever do is look after everyone else. Every time you've tried to do something for yourself you end up hurting others. Making mistakes... messing things up... its what you're good at.

He was right anyway... you are pathetic. Needy and pathetic. Can't function on your own....

Even your friends don't really like you... all talk about you behind your back... People don't like you at work, they think you talk too much. You do talk too much. You're annoying, and irritating. You gave up on your eating disorder... it was the only thing you were half decent at... and half decent is a stretch.

Is it not just better to end it than feel THIS bad? This angry? This sad? This worthless?

Aren't you tired? Tired of telling everyone that you're just tired? You are NOT just tired. Stop being ok... everyone thinks you're ok but you're not... now when you're not ok they will not expect it and you will hurt them more... but I suppose that's what you're good at... as we have just discussed..