I feel horrible.
First on Saturday... Chinese takeout... I was home by myself, I don't even know why I did it... It was as if my useless body was overtaken by someone else.. Someone who has been waiting for a while, watching, expecting, waiting for that one moment of weakness...
There it was... and there I went... moving my arms and legs to the bathroom... moving the water to my lips... going through motions so dormant they felt alien to me...
It hurt and it was extremely time consuming and difficult... more so than before... more painful than before...
I followed this ridiculous and pointless act with a run. Thought I might as well continue my self loathing punishment further by subjecting my already painful sprained ankle to an hours impact training. The regular movement of my feet and legs eased my mind a little, loud music filling my head blanking my racing mind...
Returning home. Texted my friend. Discussed the incident. Felt better. Tried to move forward, seeing it as only a lapse... Something which could be recovered...
Today was different. I bought cake from work to take home. Knowing full well what I intended to do when I got home...
I didn't even really taste it. I didn't really think about it as I was eating it.
More water. More pain... More shame...
This time I told nobody. Its my secret.. and it makes me feel better having at least one thing in my life I can actually control at this moment in time.. A familiar feeling of comfort unfurls in my head..
A failure... but a strangely comforted failure...
The Ivy is growing back. I keep pulling it off but its creeping all over me, faster than I can clear it at the moment. I am too scared to tell anyone how bad it is.
I'm not sure I would be able to explain whats happening in my mind at all Its like I'm feeling every possible emotion every felt ALL AT ONCE. I'm literally on the cusp of tears every second of every day.
Even when I'm asleep. My dreams are crying. Crying dreams... that's ridiculous...
