A letter from my insight...

Dear Essy-elle.

At the moment you appear to be losing yourself in that dark cloud that you have held off for so long. You are listening to it's cruel teachings more and more.
I can see the descent happening, but every time I try to pull you up from the depths, she screams with such hostility that I am too scared to speak.

She is angry, vengeful for your ignorance over the last two years. But she is wrong, yet you are listening.

The more you listen to her the louder she is getting. Planting seeds of fear in the happy garden you have worked so hard to cultivate. Even as I am writing this, she is stirring and I am losing myself within you. She has her roots down and they are spreading with an alarming ferocity that makes me shudder to your core.

Please come back to me, where you were safe. Where you were happy once, and I can speak to you freely.

Yours Sincerely,

Essy-elle

You can have your Christmas Cake, but dont you dare eat it

Christmas. A time of presents, family and overindulgence... Not for me. Granted the presents were present (no pun intended) but the culinary element was terrifying.

This is officially the Hardest Christmas of my life, as my ED was screaming at me. Every mince pie, turkey morsel or anything for that matter, was torturous. Yes, this year ED fucking hated me more than ever.

As if I don't have enough to struggle with, my boyfriends sister is continuing her wonderful weight loss success story, and eating like a mouse. I can't stand being around her, which in turn sparks feelings if jealousy, guilt, self loathing and the ever increasing ana envy.

Stupid fucking ED. Get out of my head.

Notebooks

I love notebooks


There is something about a notebook that gives me a feeling of creativity and organisation



I love the smell of the first page when a new notebook is opened



I love the smooth feel of the new pages. I love the different designs and textures of the covers. I love them for making lists, writing songs, keeping diaries, remembering dates, drawing and sketching.

  There is something about keeping paper records of experiences and thoughts that one cannot get from an electronic screen. There is a physicality to a notebook that one can smell, touch, feel.



Did I mention I like notebooks?

A collation of uncertainty

I am currently on a personal journey in my workplace, which will inevitably result in my leaving a job which I have spent the last 6 years striving for. But my departure will not be down to the savage cuts of the conservative/lib-dem/shit on the little guy government. It will most likely be down to the inability to integrate into a team which for all intensive purposes is responding to my presence like a north magnetic pole greets another of the same polarity. Indeed I appear to repel the rest of my team, if it can be called a team.

My days consist of the usual day to day requirements and targets outlined in my contract, supplemented with intermittent diary entries on a calendar of a different kind. These entries are not appointments for home visits, nor are they meetings of various types. These recordings are more centred around the uncomfortable fact that my treatment at work by powers higher than myself is worrying disproportionate to that of my esteemed colleagues. A small example of such entries would perhaps appear to be petty to the untrained eye. Indeed I made an error when forgetting to sign in and out as I arrived at and left the building. I took this error on board and have since been religiously signing the worn red book several times a day, recording each entry onto a complicated excel time sheet after each shift.

Here is the discomfort. Upon arriving at work like any other day today, I signed the book, as always now, only to notice that the very individual who chastised my forgetfulness has been signing in, but has NEVER once signed out. I began pushing back each page of records with my finger, only to notice that not only has my manager not been conforming to the very rule I was so hastily sanctioned for, but many of my colleagues have also been a little forgetful when it comes to signing the "mandatory health and safety piece of legislation".

This is just one example of countless examples that I could give. I have them all recorded and am currently keeping my powder dry, as advised by my dad. But this powder will eventually become most unstable under the ever growing pressure of differential treatment. For now I will keep my own records and bide my time. If this continues this worm will turn and begin to pack an uzi. Because despite what my BDD and ED are saying inside my head, I know that I do not deserve this.

Tokyo Police Club

Tokyo Police Club - Leeds cockpit - 7pm - Monday 8th November - Amazing :)
After arriving early, not realising that just because the doors open at 7, it doesnt mean that the band is on at 7... I decided that I was not going to let it get me down that I had to wait an hour and ten minutes for my favourite band to come on.

So the support band - Dutch Uncles - were ok, but in my humble opinion trying a little too hard to be as alternative as possible. The highest waistband ever award goes to the singer for sure haha.

The venue is small and dark and a little on scruffy side, with a sticky floor reminiscent of corporation in Sheffield. So small in fact that the band had to walk around the back of the room to get on the stage. I was stood at the back and when Dave Monks walked by. Of all the things I had in my mind to say when I met this amazing musician, the only thing I could muster was the urge to poke him as he passed, an I didn't even dare do that!
Through the set of amazingness, I stood, changing position as a 6ft4 guy stood in front of me, only for him to be replaced in my new position by another 6ft4 giant. So I decided to let go of the hope of seeing what was going on onstage. After all you dont need your eyes to hear great music :)

All in all a band I would definately see again :) Love it

Ellie Goulding 06.11.10

Today I went to see Ellie Goulding. She was amazing in every way a person can be amazing. She is beautiful and wonderfully talented and I love her... That is all.

Exposure can make you very cold

So last night I went out into town. You may think that this is a small and trivial matter which is not really worth posting, but to me, going into town is akin to putting your head inside a lion which has swallowed a shark infected with Resident Evils T-Virus. Clubbing and nights out are scary concepts for me.

I'm not really sure where it started, but at some point over the last two years, the feelings of excitement and enjoyment associated with going on a night out with friends has been replaced with constant anxiety about the way I look, the feeling that everyone looks better than me, the feeling that I am fat and unlikable and that being in a crowd of people is comparable to being held under water.

So I spend a while getting ready. Plan and choose an outfit, get changed, get changed again. I have it good authority from my therapist that this is quite common amongst young ladies and therefore try to normalise myself to this notion. I arrive at the preceding house party with a little excitement, which is overshadowed by how nervous I am feeling. The party is OK, although I worry a lot about the things I am saying (social skills are not my strongest point, particularly when I'm nervous as I feel that I come across as a little odd...)

As I walk to town, it starts to rain, and my naturally curly hair attempts to free itself from the restraints of an hour of styling and straightening, with I might add, a little too much success for my liking. Inside the club it is stiflingly warm and busy. I feel nervous and start on the Sailor Jerry rum... I am concerned that if I want to go home early I will ruin everyone Else's night.
I go to the toilet to check my appearance about 6 times throughout the next hour. This may sound extraordinarily vain, but it is more than that. What I see in the mirror, through the condensation and lip gloss smears is very different to what the rest of the world sees. I see a jawline that is too rounded, arms that are squishy on the tops and covered in ugly purple marks where I have picked at scabs (some of which I created in the first place) to try to make my skin look more smooth and even. I can see through my dress, where my tights are cheese wiring into my hips, creating an ugly crease across my stomach.
But I knew that these feelings would come and had prepared for them the best I could. So back out I go, find my friends, try to engage in conversation. I notice that I am picking the already scarring scabs all over my arms. Glad I wore jeans to cover the scars on my legs, like small cigarette burns from the knee down, a futile attempt to improve the way my skin looks and a sad compulsion that I currently see no end to.

Another hour goes by, and I find to my surprise that I am feeling a little More relaxed. I even dance a little, albeit much more awkwardly than I remember being able to. So its warm, my hair is sticky on my forehead, but I am actually having a good time. I am having a good time. I even contemplate going out again in the near future.

This experience is the first in my current social exposure target set by my therapist. I am to say yes to going out unless the reason is genuine, and not an attempt to avoid social interactions in which my BDD symptoms are at their peak. I feel it went well on the whole although the first couple of hours felt as though I was under  a microscope, everyone looking at me and laughing at how fat and ridiculous I look.

I actually feel a little proud of myself, again, a rarity in itself.

Here I am!

I am currently at work, I should be doing something, but I am on here... so technically my time is well spent.
Today is an average day. I'm a little hungry, I have been to the bank, I have daydreamed a lot about new tattoo designs (most of which I will have changed my mind about next week) and now I am typing to invisible peeps on the electric net ...
But in all seriousness this blog is as much a record to me as it is to you. For my life and my accomplishments.. if any were to take place. Today my biggest accomplishment is creating this blog, and I think it will be useful.

Next post to follow I should think (that's how it all works isn't it?)...