Unemotional locomotive

I appear to be going through the motions of my recovery and today came to a point of both contention and frustration, this being that I am going through the motions of recovery with regards to eating on a regular basis, but in all honesty I am no further forwards in my head and way of thinking than this time last year at the beginning of my relapse.

Don't get me wrong I am trying, Jesus I am really trying, but there is a big part of me that does NOT want to get better. Because getting better means not losing any more weight. Which means not being small. Which means not being special or interesting or loved.

I am moving forwards in that I am getting a good grip on my albeit part time work life. I am feeling better physically, which is a good thing.

But I am still stuck in my head on the deep seated desire to lose that last stone. Just one more stone. I know I will be happy if I do this. But this means risking everything that I am currently working for.

I am hurting the people closest to me. I am really hurting my mum and my guilt is almost unbearable when I think about all the people who care about me, and all the people who are "worse off" than I am.

But that guilt is fuelling my eating disorder further and further. It's like I am stuck in a vicious cycle going round and round and round and round..

Like a kind of sick fairground ride.

Cognitive Dissonance you say? I say you are wrong... as I nod my head in agreement.

I am currently completely immersed in plaguing thoughts around recovery. I appear to state vehemently that I want to get better, that I want to move on with my life, that I want to be free of negative thoughts around food and all of its surrounding constraints.

However, my actions and behaviour does not appear to mirror my good intentions... Despite my attempts to follow my outlined plans this week, I am still preoccupied with losing another stone. Just one more stone and I will be happy. This week I have gone against my anti weighing target, and have not managed my three hour intake target. I am a complete failure.

All or nothing thinking
Catastrophising

I feel unsupported and feel that my closest support sources grow ever tired of my problems. To add to this, my new job at a local sandwich shop is proving far more intense and less drole than I expected. I cant seem to pick things up fast enough, and I am making too many mistakes. I cant get it right and I am letting everyone down. Again I am a failure.

Personalising
Jumping to conclusions

I know what cognitive thinking errors are, I know I am making them, and yet I appear unable to change my thoughts or behaviour.

I am afraid that if I carry on with this bout of cognitive dissonance, I will not be offered continuing treatment. If this happens I know I will fall into a downward spiral which I will not be able to get myself out of....

So the question really is... which decision is the penultimately dissonant one?