A New Chapter

This week appears to have marked a turning point in my life.

I have been offered a job at Starbucks, which I have excitedly accepted of course. I have also started a part time job at a local sandwich shop. Firstly, who knew that making sandwiches was this complicated. The combination of chaotic working environment and knowledge of both sandwich ingredients and the whereabouts of everything I need in a new kitchen has proven somewhat of a challenge to my perfectionist self loathing personality. I have completed my third shift today and for the second time have walked home in tears, fearing that I will never work at the required pace and speed with the required efficiency which is needed.

This week I have received my official diagnosis from the Specialist Eating Disorders Team. The words are still resonating in my mind...

Bulimia Nervosa

The diagnosis took me somewhat by surprise as I have always lived in the shadow of the dreaded AN and BN amidst my EDNOS bubble. I am unsure how I feel about the diagnosis, or whether it has in fact sunk in.

I have three targets for the next week; No weighing, No diuretics or diet pills and eat every three hours (no matter how small or low calorie the amount). The first of these targets I know I will find difficult as it appears to have become a habit every time I go to the loo... The second I think will be manageable as if I am being honest, I know they don't really work... The third of these targets fills me with the most fear, doubt and perceived lack of control. I am unable to start my therapy until I am physically on an even keel. It would appear that my resting heart rate of 47 is not acceptable and the resulting cardiology appointment is tomorrow at 2pm.

Yesterday was the first day of my targets and I met all three. Go on me! Today was excruciatingly difficult.

But tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

A brief discussion about your five a day...

I was chatting to my mum earlier this week and we got onto discussing what constitutes a portion of fruit or vegetable. Of course there are the usual suspects when the debate began, however, our debate developed into a completely new discussion resulting in both of us crying with laughter...

Portions of fruit and veg as according to Sasha-Louise and Safia (that's my mum) are as follows:

Jam (any flavour) - this included the jam that can be found within a doughnut

Macdonalds Apple pie

Raspberry cheesecake (or any fruit flavour cheesecake)

Eton Mess (strawberries of course)

Vegetable Crisps

Chips (its a stretch but as far as we are concerned, a potato is most definitely a vegetable in all of its forms)

Fruit gums and Haribo (even the fried eggs are fruit flavoured)

Pineapple upside down cake

Apple or any fruit crumble (with custard also gives you a portion of dairy...)

Crispy seaweed (as everyone knows that it is more often than not deep fried green cabbage)

These are just a few of the many amusing portions that we developed over a cup of peppermint tea (another portion as far as I'm concerned).

Please feel free to add further to our list, as we are always looking at innovative new ways for people to incorporate fresh fruit and veg into their diets the easy and naughty way.

Bravery and changing stuff...

This Wednesday I walked out of my job. Nothing had particularly happened since my mild dda related rant on Monday. I sat at my desk as per every other day since last July, and something felt different. I couldn't stand the thought of a day in the life of this happy person that I appear to have become.

So I told the admin assistant I felt ill, and I walked out. I also have no intention of returning and although I have been informed that I am required to give a months notice... I have no intention of doing so. Unison and HR are now sorting the finalities out on my behalf.

Thursday brought about a feeling of relief and for the first time in a long time I feel more positive, as if my fingertips have happened across a silver lining in the sad cloud of my working life.

Armed with CV's I strolled down the road into town, with the gentle strumming of Benjamin Francis Leftwich's "Atlas Hands" softening the sounds of traffic via my headphones. I took my CV into Starbucks and into a small but quirky clothing and gifts shop called Joy. I was not expecting my overqualified, irrelevant and unrelated employment history to aid me in achieving anything in these stores.

But I was pleasantly mistaken. Starbucks rang me straight away and I have a two hour trial shift on Monday (everything crossed). I had an interview for today at Joy which went well (I think), and how lovely would it be to work in a store called Joy!

I find out about both on Tuesday so I am remaining hopeful, albeit a little difficult.

In the meantime, my newfound free time has been filled by the perusing of small boutiques and stores sporting home baked goodies. I found myself rummaging through various handmade creations, thinking to myself "I reckon I could make nearly all of this stuff"... So that is what I intend to channel my spare time into.

Sewing, crafting and baking is my new spare time venture, and I intent to immerse myself in it happily. I also intend to get out my guitar and channel my fears, thoughts and feelings into some new music.

2011 will be my year, even though I know I will have to work hard to make that so.

Upset the apple cart?!? I'll frikkin kick it over in a minute!

So an update on my current status with regards to mood, well I can image you can gather from the heading that I am pretty pissed off.

I had my ed assessment last week, well half of it anyways. It seems that my history with regards to ed is a lot more complex that I expected. The initial part of said assessment was also a lot more intense and distressing that I expected. In addition to this I have also had other related hospital appointments, which will come to a grand total of 4 in February alone.

A point which my manager has enjoyed raising with me. Which leads me onto the reasons for my extreme pissiness. Not only am I made to feel that I am not pulling my weight as I am having to have time off for these appointments, I am also not receiving paid time off. I have perused the leave policy for my company only to discover that I am completely within my rights to have paid time off under both the discretionary leave policy and, much more importantly, under DDA legislation.

Now let me clarify before I continue my rant... I have never used my ed to gain special treatment. I have never asked work for anything. No reasonable adjustments. Nothing. The only thing I need is time off for these appointments, and to be paid in accordance with both the DDA company policy. Instead, I am being made to take flexi leave for these appointments. Which results in my being down on my hours, adding further pressure on me by making me work additional hours. Hours which I do not currently feel well enough to manage.

I went into a meeting to challenge my manager, which took a full weekend of psychological preparation and anxiety. I went in, armed with the policy, knowing that what I was saying was right and reasonable. The response included the following:

"I don't appreciate staff coming in here telling me about Policy. If you like we can arrange a meeting with (managers manager) and toss Policy around all day, but I have gone above and beyond what is required of me to accommodate you"

"You are out of order to say that this team don't understand you. This team is the most understanding team I have ever worked in"

"So the 16th, that's another days flexi you are going to have to take. You are just going to have to try your best to make these hours up"

"In the end to only people you are letting down is your young people and yourself"

So the question I pose is, why the hell am I bothering trying to get better? Why should I try when it is causing all of this trouble for me?

I called Unison, I called B-eat and I called Mind Legal... All of whom said that I now have a valid case for discrimination under the DDA. But I'm so scared to go through with it. I want to, even though I am leaving this hellish nightmare in March.

I want to do it because I no longer want to feel that my ed is something that I should be ashamed of.

Birthday Baking Bonanza

On Saturday I took my culinary skills to new heights and made the best "I can't believe you made that" cakes. This is is a gift for my dad for his 50th Birthday...

I found myself watching Saturdays "Baking made easy" with Lorraine Pascal and thought to myself... "I reckon I could actually make that"... But I never expected it to go this successfully! My dad loved it, and I'm going to meet him today (as today is his actual birthday) for a coffee and a piece of said cake.

Following Sundays three course meal trauma I am still feeling extremely tentative about having a piece of my creation. Last night, even two hours at the gym did not ebb the feelings of guilt over Sunday's feast (even though I didn't really eat much of anything if I look at it rationally...)...

Sitting between my eating disordered sister and eating disordered step mum was quite an experience. Although I tried my hardest to avert my gaze from their behaviours, my own thoughts were stinging at me after every mouthful.

I feel angry. Angry that I have to make the effort to  get better when they are allowed to be the way they are. I am angry at my boyfriends sister for being allowed to continue as she is doing. Part of me feels that it is unfair that I have to make the effort just because I have admitted that I have a problem, when they are left to their own devices. Everyone is just watching them get worse and worse, but I am the only person they challenge.

I hate that people also assume that just because I have sought some help, that I have had some kind of epiphany and that everything will all of a sudden be rectified overnight. My family think that as I have sought help, that I am better, when I am actually deteriorating at a rate that frightens me to the centre of my dwindling insight. I feel pressured. That now I have took the first steps, I have to get better, but I don't want to, but I do at the same time.

I feel completely lost with regards to what I want or expect from myself.