I am currently on a personal journey in my workplace, which will inevitably result in my leaving a job which I have spent the last 6 years striving for. But my departure will not be down to the savage cuts of the conservative/lib-dem/shit on the little guy government. It will most likely be down to the inability to integrate into a team which for all intensive purposes is responding to my presence like a north magnetic pole greets another of the same polarity. Indeed I appear to repel the rest of my team, if it can be called a team.
My days consist of the usual day to day requirements and targets outlined in my contract, supplemented with intermittent diary entries on a calendar of a different kind. These entries are not appointments for home visits, nor are they meetings of various types. These recordings are more centred around the uncomfortable fact that my treatment at work by powers higher than myself is worrying disproportionate to that of my esteemed colleagues. A small example of such entries would perhaps appear to be petty to the untrained eye. Indeed I made an error when forgetting to sign in and out as I arrived at and left the building. I took this error on board and have since been religiously signing the worn red book several times a day, recording each entry onto a complicated excel time sheet after each shift.
Here is the discomfort. Upon arriving at work like any other day today, I signed the book, as always now, only to notice that the very individual who chastised my forgetfulness has been signing in, but has NEVER once signed out. I began pushing back each page of records with my finger, only to notice that not only has my manager not been conforming to the very rule I was so hastily sanctioned for, but many of my colleagues have also been a little forgetful when it comes to signing the "mandatory health and safety piece of legislation".
This is just one example of countless examples that I could give. I have them all recorded and am currently keeping my powder dry, as advised by my dad. But this powder will eventually become most unstable under the ever growing pressure of differential treatment. For now I will keep my own records and bide my time. If this continues this worm will turn and begin to pack an uzi. Because despite what my BDD and ED are saying inside my head, I know that I do not deserve this.
There is something about keeping paper records of experiences and thoughts that one cannot get from an electronic screen. There is a physicality to a notebook that one can smell, touch, feel.
