Hello me...

So.... been a while hasn't it!

I'm back in treatment until after Christmas. Thought it would be best to put that straight out there... no beating around the bush...

My Psychotherapist suggested I spend some time addressing parts of my past I haven't thought about for some time, looking for the roots and foundations of my eating disorder, and during my session we got to discourse about my time in the 6th form.

Here is a snippet of information I have never talked about before:

Between the ages of around 15 through to 18 I wanted to die. I thought about it a lot, I even planned how I might do it... several different methods... which are not appropriate to discuss. I was lonely in these 2 years and my friendship group was based on a functional need to belong. This extended not only to me, but to every member of the group. Due to our insecure natures our friendships tended to be tentative, with only a small incident being enough to cause major drama. I can't think of specific good times, and I dont have the usual "remember when we did...." memories.. just hanging out, existing alongside one another...

I was a lonely and sad individual during this time. An isolation which could not solely be put down to teenage hormones and the perils of adolescent social interaction, or lack thereof.

I spent a lot of time by myself and my imagination provided great comfort for the unbearable emotional discomfort I was experiencing on a daily basis. I would get completely lost in it, feeling nothing but air beneath my toes and fantasy around me like a comforting fog. I created a whole other state of being in fact, a world only I knew about. I was safe in it, sometimes I had powers in it... It was comforting to me. There was another me in this world, the other me was strong and confident, unscathed by environmental distresses in my real life.

The other me, although part of me, spent time in my head and sometimes we would think together about how to fix my problems. How to please people who disliked or disapproved of me. How to be perfect. In an oversimplified nutshell, this is where my eating disorder began.

My ED, was not another person, or a separate voice in my head. We were one voice, a collective.

There was very little in my real life in which I found comfort. Music was the main thing, and my own imagination... I listened to Tool, and various other bands which gave me means of escape from the deep and unbearable unhappiness I felt. A musical shield...

I never really gave it much thought until discussing it yesterday, and I found myself surprised at how emotional I became when thinking about how I felt back then. Real, physical tearfulness, almost overwhelming..

Starting to get to the bottom of things is only the beginning, and I know I have a difficult few months ahead as I unpick and repair the broken parts of my own psyche... but something tells me it will be worth it.