You would think losing my job would ruin my day... You would be right.

Yesterday I was informed that my contract (which will end March 31st) will not be renewed due to funding. I don't think I can put things any more simply.

I was proud of my reaction. I cried a little but on the whole I took it well and took the day off, which was willingly offered to me.

I walked into town to meet my dad. The gentle sound of Bombay bicycle clubs new acoustic album soothed my mind as my feet rhythmically hit the pavement. It's not the end of the world I told myself. It could be worse I told myself. I'll find something else I told myself.

Underneath my apparent calm and stability, I am terrified. My ED jumped on the job loss band wagon immediately and I am so scared that this will spiral me further down. But I managed to ignore it and pushed on through town to meet my dad.

Things picked up over the day and I filled out my UCAS midwifery application. I don't think I will get through until next year but its a start. Peppermint tea after peppermint tea (plus one maryland cookie to pacify my dads worry) added to the calming effect of the music seeping through one headphone, whilst my other ear lent itself to my dad's news. He has an interview for a job in Ireland, so might be away for most of the week. The selfish side of me wants him to stay, but I know this is a good opportunity for him and I would still get to see him at weekends. I will be so sad if he gets the job though. I have grown to love our regular coffee meetings in town, sometimes twice weekly and three times if its a good week.

This morning I arrived back at work to find a job vacancy in my email inbox. I have spent all morning searching and things are looking a little brighter. I must admit I am struggling to ignore my negative ED thoughts and they are still very much in control of a lot of my actions.

I don't know where I will be from week to week now and if there is one thing I really struggle to tolerate it is uncertainty. Limbo is not a place for the weak hearted so I must disguise my fear, for fear of giving into it completely.