A New Chapter

This week appears to have marked a turning point in my life.

I have been offered a job at Starbucks, which I have excitedly accepted of course. I have also started a part time job at a local sandwich shop. Firstly, who knew that making sandwiches was this complicated. The combination of chaotic working environment and knowledge of both sandwich ingredients and the whereabouts of everything I need in a new kitchen has proven somewhat of a challenge to my perfectionist self loathing personality. I have completed my third shift today and for the second time have walked home in tears, fearing that I will never work at the required pace and speed with the required efficiency which is needed.

This week I have received my official diagnosis from the Specialist Eating Disorders Team. The words are still resonating in my mind...

Bulimia Nervosa

The diagnosis took me somewhat by surprise as I have always lived in the shadow of the dreaded AN and BN amidst my EDNOS bubble. I am unsure how I feel about the diagnosis, or whether it has in fact sunk in.

I have three targets for the next week; No weighing, No diuretics or diet pills and eat every three hours (no matter how small or low calorie the amount). The first of these targets I know I will find difficult as it appears to have become a habit every time I go to the loo... The second I think will be manageable as if I am being honest, I know they don't really work... The third of these targets fills me with the most fear, doubt and perceived lack of control. I am unable to start my therapy until I am physically on an even keel. It would appear that my resting heart rate of 47 is not acceptable and the resulting cardiology appointment is tomorrow at 2pm.

Yesterday was the first day of my targets and I met all three. Go on me! Today was excruciatingly difficult.

But tomorrow will be better. It has to be.