I am currently completely immersed in plaguing thoughts around recovery. I appear to state vehemently that I want to get better, that I want to move on with my life, that I want to be free of negative thoughts around food and all of its surrounding constraints.
However, my actions and behaviour does not appear to mirror my good intentions... Despite my attempts to follow my outlined plans this week, I am still preoccupied with losing another stone. Just one more stone and I will be happy. This week I have gone against my anti weighing target, and have not managed my three hour intake target. I am a complete failure.
All or nothing thinking
Catastrophising
I feel unsupported and feel that my closest support sources grow ever tired of my problems. To add to this, my new job at a local sandwich shop is proving far more intense and less drole than I expected. I cant seem to pick things up fast enough, and I am making too many mistakes. I cant get it right and I am letting everyone down. Again I am a failure.
Personalising
Jumping to conclusions
I know what cognitive thinking errors are, I know I am making them, and yet I appear unable to change my thoughts or behaviour.
I am afraid that if I carry on with this bout of cognitive dissonance, I will not be offered continuing treatment. If this happens I know I will fall into a downward spiral which I will not be able to get myself out of....
So the question really is... which decision is the penultimately dissonant one?
From Under the Ivy Tree: Snippets of confusion from a life more ordinary
You are NOT a failure. Maybe sandwich making is not the job for you. Besides, those places get so busy...it's crazy.
ReplyDeleteI recently stopped seeing the dietician and therapist (at my own request)...and although have not gone downwards drastically, things are a lot more difficult with no understanding support.
Like you said, people around you start to get fed up of problems/become immune to it.
So...I don't know. Maybe I'm not the right person to dish out advice. You have to do what you feel comfortable/right for the moment.
Take care. xx:)