Superficial

Why is it that one can coast through ones day, regardless of its difficulty or ones worries and stresses, but the minute someone mentions the dreaded words "how are you doing" or " are you ok?" the carefully constructed facade dissolves. This is happening to me more and more, several times in the space of a day.

To look at me, I'm doing fine. Physically my weight is dropping a little but is still classed as "stable" and "within" range. I go to work, and I perform my role, I remain calm under pressure (not because I am coping, but simply because my head is already too full and will not take on any further stress. It wouldn't be possible. It wouldn't fit) and I come home and go straight back out to dancing.

Yes. Physically I am doing ok. Except for the light headedness that people don't see. Except for the aching of my limbs and constant tiredness that people don't see. Except for the constant barrage or eating disordered thoughts plaguing my mind. To read my face, you would think that things are ok. That perhaps I am a little stressed, but apart from that I am managing.

But if you were to put your hand on my shoulder, or give me a hug, or ask how I'm doing, then the answer would be different. When people do this to me, I break down and cry. Every time.

My good mood is as superficial and fragile as the skin on water (apparently water has a skin, but I find this debatable). It floats on brief praise and completed tasks. It only takes a small comment, or for more than one person to ask me to do something at once for the "everything's fine" layer to disintegrate into tears.